Friday, January 23, 2009


written on the 22nd of January in the journal of Hannah.

a year ago from yesterday, a little girl named Matilda Rose had a living, breathing daddy.

a day later, he was gone.

today was the first anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. today the nominations for the 81st Annual Academy Awards were announced, with Heath a shoo-in in the Best Supporting Actor category for his amazing role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. today, Sindi and i went over to bff Eleni's house, where we watched Ten Things I Hate About You, ate marshmallows and jelly tots and lit approximately 6 candles in Heath's memory. on our way home, i held the last candle to remain alight - a beautiful rainbow spiralling birthday candle in a candle holder - in my hands and felt the heat that came off of it. on the car radio, Never Gonna Be Alone by Nickelback was playing, and the lines, "you've gotta live every single day like it's the only one/what if tomorrow never comes?" struck me like a slap on the cheek. the candle burnt out right at the end of the song, and i thought it ironic that i'd only ever watched 3 of Heath's movies, and yet there i was, hurting for someone i'd never met.

i blame it partially on Jamie.

at the beginning of this month, i discovered a blog that Jamie the Hero wrote a short while after Heath's death. it is one of the best pieces he's ever written, i think, along with note to self and the TWLOHA story.

when i get to the 7th paragraph, i'm struggling to hold myself together.

i'm always in tears by the time i reach the end of the 8th.
Jamie's pretty good at making me cry.

i cannot begin to imagine the type of pain Heath's family and friends have gone through and are still going through. Jamie's right - the main loss wasn't to the acting industry. the main loss was to a family that must have been tearing apart at the seams from the appalling hurt of it all. your children should not die before you. the main loss was to a little girl, confused, lost and hurt, who won't see her daddy again for the rest of her life. you should not lose someone so dear when you are only 2 years old.

i have been crying since the 8th paragraph, and i am still crying inside.


Sunbum said...

Oh my gosh!!! I LOVE your playlist! I LOVE almost ALL those groups!!!!!!

Your are so AWESOME!!!!!!

Sunbum said...

*Okay now I'm going to read your post.....* :)

Sunbum said...

Death is a bittersweet deal. I always feel the pain, but I also know that they have passed on to a better place.....

Sunbum said...

Did I say that I LOVE your playlist? Yes? Well, that's okay I'll say it again.....I LOVE your playlist girl!!!!

Hannahkin said...

hee hee! thanks, Sunbum :) you, friend, are COOL for liking such amazing music!

i'm dumb and didn't listen to ANY of the songs before i added them to my playlist. so i discovered today that Jon Foreman's "Learning How To Die" that i put up was a live version, and it wasn't as awesome as the original. plus, i decided that Paramore's "Let The Flames Begin" was all rockish when everything else was mellow.. so i took those two off. i added 2 or 3 more songs. it's just kinda funny because they're all pretty depro and then there's Lucky, which is happy... heh. i love that song too much to take it off, though. so that is the updated story of my playlist! :) hope you like it just as much ;)

thanks for commenting! ...and for LOVING my playlist! let me say again, you are AWESOME :)

Nancy Face said...

I really liked "10 Things I Hate About You" but my very favorite is "A Knight's Tale." It makes me sad that he died, and I'm amazed it has already been a year. :(

Sunbum said...

Oh my gosh!!! I think I've just died in happiness!!!!!

I love that Missy Higgins song (it makes me cry), and everything else you put on!!!!!!

And that Paramore song is amazing!!!!!!!!

Sunbum said...

I still love your playlist.....even though you took off those songs! :P

Chell said...

I cannot believe that its been a year already. I remember driving to work and hearing the news on the radio. I almost had to stop the car, I was absolutely dumb-founded with shock.

Im so glad that you did something special for his memory on this sad day.

On another note..please add me on full name is Rochelle Wegener

Hannahkin said...

Nancy Face: can you believe i haven't even SEEN A Knight's Tale?! i haven't watched any of his gay movies, either - only Ten Things I Hate About You, Brothers Grimm and Batman. i also can't believe it's been a year already! isn't that FRIGHTENING?

Sunbum: YAY! you still like my playlist!! :) the Missy Higgins song makes me cry, too.

Chell: i can also remember what i was doing - we were getting ready for school when i heard it on the radio. i couldn't believe it! i recall going to school and standing around in line (or what was supposed to be a line anyway ;) ) and talking about it with my friends. i'm going to add you right now! :)

Sunbum said...

It makes me *sob* cry *sniffle* so hard!!!! :) But I still like it and all!