written on the 22nd of January in the journal of Hannah.
a year ago from yesterday, a little girl named Matilda Rose had a living, breathing daddy.
a day later, he was gone.
today was the first anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. today the nominations for the 81st Annual Academy Awards were announced, with Heath a shoo-in in the Best Supporting Actor category for his amazing role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. today, Sindi and i went over to bff Eleni's house, where we watched Ten Things I Hate About You, ate marshmallows and jelly tots and lit approximately 6 candles in Heath's memory. on our way home, i held the last candle to remain alight - a beautiful rainbow spiralling birthday candle in a candle holder - in my hands and felt the heat that came off of it. on the car radio, Never Gonna Be Alone by Nickelback was playing, and the lines, "you've gotta live every single day like it's the only one/what if tomorrow never comes?" struck me like a slap on the cheek. the candle burnt out right at the end of the song, and i thought it ironic that i'd only ever watched 3 of Heath's movies, and yet there i was, hurting for someone i'd never met.
i blame it partially on Jamie.
at the beginning of this month, i discovered a blog that Jamie the Hero wrote a short while after Heath's death. it is one of the best pieces he's ever written, i think, along with note to self and the TWLOHA story.
when i get to the 7th paragraph, i'm struggling to hold myself together.
i'm always in tears by the time i reach the end of the 8th.
Jamie's pretty good at making me cry.
i cannot begin to imagine the type of pain Heath's family and friends have gone through and are still going through. Jamie's right - the main loss wasn't to the acting industry. the main loss was to a family that must have been tearing apart at the seams from the appalling hurt of it all. your children should not die before you. the main loss was to a little girl, confused, lost and hurt, who won't see her daddy again for the rest of her life. you should not lose someone so dear when you are only 2 years old.
i have been crying since the 8th paragraph, and i am still crying inside.