Thursday, December 11, 2008

so long, Hubert.

today, i am going to tell you a story.
once upon a time, there was a mommy and a daddy who loved eachother very much, but we'll skip that part. 9 months later, the mommy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and there was joy throughout the land... or at least the hospital ward. but something was not right. the baby had a little brown spot right next to her left ear. her parents cooed about it being a cute baby beauty spot, when it was in fact a little mole, with the potential to become big and ugly and, in the words of Lauren, sick nast.
as the girl grew, so did the mole, and with time she became aware of its presence. the girl, who we will call Hannah for story purposes, even went so far as to give it a name. she named it Hubert.

now the sad part of the story comes along. when Hannah started a different school in the 4th Grade, she found out that her new classmates were much more observant than her previous ones. suddenly, everyone had discovered Hubert... and they would talk about him and his strangeness right in front of Hannah. of course, Hannah started to feel ashamed. she would try to hide Hubert away with her lame excuse for bangs, but that didn't work. she would cover her ear with her left hand in an attempt to cover him up, but as soon as she needed to write, she'd have to take her left hand back, and then everyone would notice Hubert again. everything she tried failed dismally, and so the unthinkable started to happen... Hannah began to despise Hubert's existence.
by the 7th Grade, all of her classmates had gotten used to Hubert, and Hannah began to feel fine about him again. but, as it so happens, in the 8th Grade, Hannah once again started a new school, and the comments about poor old Hubert began to fly thick and fast again. Once, Hannah was approached by a boy who informed her with a certain sense of honesty and clarity that she had a mole growing "there", as he pointed wildly in the direction of her left earlobe. promise. so, of course, Hannah began to notice Hubert's presence again.
of course, during this whole time, Hannah was growing, and so was Hubert. he began to get in the way of things like hairbrushes and combs and squirrels. yeah, not squirrels. anyway, there came a time during the 9th Grade when Hannah decided to investigate the possibility of having Hubert removed. this was a hard thing for her to contemplate... he had been such a big part of her face for so long.
on the 1st of December 2008, Hannah finally went to a special kind of doctor called a Plastic Surgeon, who specialised in giving rich people face lifts and boob jobs and also happened to be a qualified Mole-Taker-Off-er. (not to be confused with a plastic sturgeon.. you know, the kind of fish that eats rubber.) His name was Doctor Zinn and that made her laugh a little bit... in her head. he told her all about what was going to happen, calling Hubert names like "benign" and "unharmful". finally, he made Hannah lie down and gave her an anaesthetic shot right in the middle of Hubert, which would only sting "for a second" but in reality hurt for a minute at least. then he took out a creepy-sounding shaver thingy and proceeded to shave Hubert off, layer by layer. it took him a total of 2 minutes to finish the deed... then he put a ridiculously tiny plaster on Hannah's face and told her to leave it there until it fell off.

Hannah felt different... and the same. she kept poking her head because she thought it was funny that she couldn't feel the whole left side of her face. then she started singing "Anasthaesia, Anasthaesia!!" to the tune of that crazy animated movie Anastacia's theme song, and was relieved to find her humour intact.. she would've hated to lose that along with Hubert. because she kept poking the spot where Hubert was, it started bleeding profusely, so for the next few days she walked around like a head wound victim.

she even started acting like a head wound victim... you got it, crazy. in the head.

finally it stopped bleeding, and she took all the peripheral bandages off.

(haha, i made you tip your head sideways! haha!)
on the 9th of December, while at a thrift store in California, USA, the ridiculous bandage also fell off, and all that she was left with was a scab on the side of her face and the memory of Hubert.

since then, she's found out that several people have moles exactly where Hubert was, and it is a very bittersweet feeling. the memory of Hubert will always remain with Hannah... but from now on, she will go through life Hubert-less, with just a faint white scar on the side of her head as a reminder of what once was.

in other news, guess where i've been hanging out lately?