Thursday, December 11, 2008

so long, Hubert.

today, i am going to tell you a story.
once upon a time, there was a mommy and a daddy who loved eachother very much, but we'll skip that part. 9 months later, the mommy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and there was joy throughout the land... or at least the hospital ward. but something was not right. the baby had a little brown spot right next to her left ear. her parents cooed about it being a cute baby beauty spot, when it was in fact a little mole, with the potential to become big and ugly and, in the words of Lauren, sick nast.
as the girl grew, so did the mole, and with time she became aware of its presence. the girl, who we will call Hannah for story purposes, even went so far as to give it a name. she named it Hubert.

now the sad part of the story comes along. when Hannah started a different school in the 4th Grade, she found out that her new classmates were much more observant than her previous ones. suddenly, everyone had discovered Hubert... and they would talk about him and his strangeness right in front of Hannah. of course, Hannah started to feel ashamed. she would try to hide Hubert away with her lame excuse for bangs, but that didn't work. she would cover her ear with her left hand in an attempt to cover him up, but as soon as she needed to write, she'd have to take her left hand back, and then everyone would notice Hubert again. everything she tried failed dismally, and so the unthinkable started to happen... Hannah began to despise Hubert's existence.
by the 7th Grade, all of her classmates had gotten used to Hubert, and Hannah began to feel fine about him again. but, as it so happens, in the 8th Grade, Hannah once again started a new school, and the comments about poor old Hubert began to fly thick and fast again. Once, Hannah was approached by a boy who informed her with a certain sense of honesty and clarity that she had a mole growing "there", as he pointed wildly in the direction of her left earlobe. promise. so, of course, Hannah began to notice Hubert's presence again.
of course, during this whole time, Hannah was growing, and so was Hubert. he began to get in the way of things like hairbrushes and combs and squirrels. yeah, not squirrels. anyway, there came a time during the 9th Grade when Hannah decided to investigate the possibility of having Hubert removed. this was a hard thing for her to contemplate... he had been such a big part of her face for so long.
on the 1st of December 2008, Hannah finally went to a special kind of doctor called a Plastic Surgeon, who specialised in giving rich people face lifts and boob jobs and also happened to be a qualified Mole-Taker-Off-er. (not to be confused with a plastic sturgeon.. you know, the kind of fish that eats rubber.) His name was Doctor Zinn and that made her laugh a little bit... in her head. he told her all about what was going to happen, calling Hubert names like "benign" and "unharmful". finally, he made Hannah lie down and gave her an anaesthetic shot right in the middle of Hubert, which would only sting "for a second" but in reality hurt for a minute at least. then he took out a creepy-sounding shaver thingy and proceeded to shave Hubert off, layer by layer. it took him a total of 2 minutes to finish the deed... then he put a ridiculously tiny plaster on Hannah's face and told her to leave it there until it fell off.

Hannah felt different... and the same. she kept poking her head because she thought it was funny that she couldn't feel the whole left side of her face. then she started singing "Anasthaesia, Anasthaesia!!" to the tune of that crazy animated movie Anastacia's theme song, and was relieved to find her humour intact.. she would've hated to lose that along with Hubert. because she kept poking the spot where Hubert was, it started bleeding profusely, so for the next few days she walked around like a head wound victim.

she even started acting like a head wound victim... you got it, crazy. in the head.

finally it stopped bleeding, and she took all the peripheral bandages off.

(haha, i made you tip your head sideways! haha!)
on the 9th of December, while at a thrift store in California, USA, the ridiculous bandage also fell off, and all that she was left with was a scab on the side of her face and the memory of Hubert.

since then, she's found out that several people have moles exactly where Hubert was, and it is a very bittersweet feeling. the memory of Hubert will always remain with Hannah... but from now on, she will go through life Hubert-less, with just a faint white scar on the side of her head as a reminder of what once was.

in other news, guess where i've been hanging out lately?


Hannahkin said...

Haha!! It is not Hannakin, it is Sinderella...
Love ya!!!

ps- your blog is souper-coolness

nadia:) said...

that was put in a rather soft and story way cool.:)

Nancy Face said...

"not to be confused with a plastic sturgeon.. you know, the kind of fish that eats rubber." HAHAHA! :D

I love that Dr. Zinn rhymes with fin (fin = fish = sturgeon)!

I also love that you named your mole Hubert! That is AWESOME! :)

Sunbum said...

I know this guys that works at Kroger and his name is Hubert my mom's teased him about it for years. Well....she likes his name and stuff.....

Sunbum said...

*sniff* I didn't even know him, and I miss him!!!!

Sunbum said...

Dr. Zinn huh.......That's a very interesting name! Hubert was awesome!!!

Ana Cristina said...

OK, your blog(s) is awesome. As is this blog post. I LOL'd at several points, most especially the plastic sturgeon bit.
RIP, Hubert.

Hannahkin said...

Firstly... thank you for reading my silly blog, friends! now let me talk individually... yay, my favourite! (really.)

Sinderella - get it RIGHT. gee. but thanks.

Nadia - thank you! and thank you for visiting my blog, i am honoured with a U :)

Nancy Face - wow, you are so observant and cool! i would have never found that ;) i had far too much time to think of the whole fish thing. really. Hubert would say thank you... but he is gone now. like, duh, Hannah. but yah, i like his name, too ;)

Sunbum - Hubert is a cool name, admit it! hee. i know how you feel... only i knew him. gosh, i feel the tears coming on already.

Ana Cristina : THANK YOU! it is only half as awesome as your blog though ;) don't deny it... it's true!

Lauren said...

Ted has a mole in the same location that poor Herbert was. It often gets cut by his razor. It sicks me out. I have moles of mass proportion in a few places on my body. Perhaps I should get them removed? Anyhow...I LOVED this post! You are such an excellent writer :)

Hey, do you have a British accent?

Lauren said...

I need to know for obvious purposes. So that when I read your posts I can speak them in a British accent.

Hannahkin said...

Lauren! yay :) yah, i saw Ted's mole in the photo of him and that spider thing on your mama's blog. ouch! doesn't it get infected? on second thoughts, don't tell me... *shudder*

oh, and i don't really have a British accent... which would be cool. i have a South African accent, which is kind-of a British accent... but not really. i'll have to make a video of myself talking so you know what i mean ;)

still, though, by all means, speak my posts in a British accent! :)

Tiffany said...

Are you certain it did not get in the way of those cute little squirrels? If not there was probably no reason to get it removed. But seriously once it gets in the way of those squirrels it is time to get to that Sturgeon doc. And get it removed. You look lovely with and without Hubert.

Loved this post, it got me laughing.

Chell said...

Hannah! So glad to be back in the blogging world and to get a super long email from you! :)I was laughing so much when I read this post, and when I read Laurens comment about the accent :) I definitely think we need to make a video so they can hear how we South Africans speak :)

Thats SOOO cool that you're in the US for the holidays..just like me being in NZ! Are you anywhere near any of our blogging friends? I have put "visit the USA" on my to-do list.

Walmart!!!! I did a post about wanting to visit Walmart..thats so super awesome.

Hey, when Im back in SA and you're back in SA we SO need to meet up, k? We can go to Gateway!! :)

Hope the rest of your holiday is as awesome as you are! :)

Lauren said...

I feel sad that you and Chell live near each other. You two are my favorite people....and I don't get to meet you :( Come visit me!!!

Hannahkin said...

Tiffany: quite true, actually. don't want to harm them poor squirrels... even though they can be a pain sometimes. *sigh* thanks for stopping by, your comment made me laugh!!

Chell: YAY! it's so good to have you back :) i love having another South African on Blogger, hee hee :) a video is definitely in order, because we can't deprive our bloggy friends of the wonder of our fabulous accents, now, can we? ;)

Walmart is huuuuuge. i got lost a couple times... but that's really not unusual. still, though, it's pretty darn massive!

gah, you have no idea! i'm fairly close, but not close enough to visit :( my family lives in California... which is awesome. i heart California. but it's too far to see our lovely friends in Arizona! *sob* some day, though... some day.

yaya, i'd love to hang out at Gateway! let me know when you're back... or i guess i could just read it on your blog ;)

i hope you have an amazing holiday with your family!

Lauren! : you are one of my favourite people too, what a coincidence!! ;) maybe Chell and i should come meet you together in a couple years? why can't you come visit us in the wilds of Africa? i promise it would be fun... we'd protect you from the lions!! :)

Nancy Face said...


Sunbum said...

Merry Christmas!!!

Sunbum said...

I have just realized that I copied Nancy's comment!!! :(

Hannahkin said...

thank yoooou, Nancy Face and Sunbum! i hope all of you guys had a fabulous day!

Sunbum, it's okay... yours wasn't all in caps lock, so it was different! ;)

Sunbum said...

Oh, thanks! So how was you Christmas?

Sunbum said...

You = Your......

Brian said...

Congratulations. You did great telling the story. nice blog.

grace and peace,

Hannahkin said...

thank you, Brian!!!! :)